The Longest Short Story Ever
by Death's Writers
Summary: Written by Bingo. Take five powerful teenagers, add one teenage spy, throw in a couple of butt-kicking wizards, and you get this: A parody of Power of Five, Harry Potter and Alex Rider. Warning: may make you laugh uncontrollably...
1. The Longest Short Story Ever

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Alex Rider, the Power of Five or any other book series that may or may not make an appearance. Also, I definitely don't own all the AVPM references I may or may not slip in in future chapters. In fact, I don't even own this account! Well, this is confusing.**

**Just kidding. Hope you enjoy, and do leave a comment or two! I read all the reviews, although I am unable to reply as this is not my account (I am found on Fictionpress though, by the name of Bingo.)**

**Lastly, this was technically the third part of these installments, but the first two were removed for the crime of sucking. It won't make a different though, most of these parodies are stand-alone except for the constant abuse of Jamie and pwnage of Alex.**

**Cheers!**  
**Bingo.**

* * *

**The Longest Short Story Ever – Part I:**

Jamie looks around furtively as he slips into Alex's Rider's room. He knows he must not be seen, otherwise he will be in big trouble.

He is staying with Alex, Harry Potter, Matt Freeman, his twin brother Scott and Ron Weasley in a ghastly little inn at Lesser Malling, because it is time for their usual autumn war with the Dark Forces, which consists of villains, bullies, and everyone else they can round up.

Jamie enters the room and takes a quick look around until he sees what he's been looking for: Alex's gadget bag.

He doesn't know Alex's bag itself has been wired by Smithers, but he is rather dense when gadgets are concerned, so we shall forgive him. Meanwhile, three rooms away, Alex Rider is in deep conversation with Harry, who is waiting for Scarlett Adams and Hermione Granger to show up.

'So what time is the war scheduled?' Harry is saying.

'Chaos said three o'clock in the a.m. exactly,' says Alex, checking his watch. 'So that's still a few hours away.'

'Three o'clock!' exclaims Harry disapprovingly. 'My, those bad guys have terrible timing. You know how Hermione gets if Ron misses his bedtime. And Scott will fall asleep halfway through.'

Alex nods in agreement. 'I told them. I said it a million times, I said I was certain nobody would like the timing, but what can we do? Apparently Scorpia is blowing up the Taj Mahal and they can't make it before then. Dreadful. But on the plus side, Smithers gave me something for Scott – the Power Prompter Pen. One click and it's going to boost his power so much he'll be wide awake. The side effects might include temporary insomnia though.'

'That's okay, Scott stays up half the night anyway on his stupid forum online,' says Harry knowingly.

Alex grins and is about to reply when his watch beeps. He looks down and starts laughing.

'What?' demands Harry curiously.

'Ole' Jamie is trying to break into my gadget bag!' chortles Alex. 'It's wired – I can tell when anyone but me opens it. And now he just took the Power Prompter.'

'Uh oh,' says Harry, who knows what Jamie is like with gadgets. 'One of us will have to tell Matt, and he wont be happy. You know he hates letting Jamie get gadgets.'

'You'll be fine if you do a shield charm before he throws a fit,' says Alex quickly. 'But otherwise you will be in great danger of flying objects decapitating you.'

'Good advice, mate,' says Harry gratefully. 'What now?'

'Well, right now Jamie is looking through my stuff for the Old One Away Spray,' says Alex, his eyes glued to the beeping watch. '_And_ there goes my Metamorphosing Mobile – bad luck, Harry, old chap, I wanted you to have that.'

Harry sighs.

'I hope he tries to text with it!' says Alex gleefully. 'It'll turn him into a Dudley Dursley look-alike! And if he pressed six he'll look like Sabina...'

His voice trails away and his eyes glaze over as he thinks of Sabina. Harry gives him a few minutes before pinching him.

'Oi! Ow!'

'Back to earth, Rider. What's going on now?'

Alex gives him a resentful glare but looks down at his watch. 'Haha. Now he's stealing the new Death-to-the-Death-Eaters iPod. Lol.'

Harry stares at him. 'Did you just say "lol"? Do people actually _say_ that normally?'

Alex goes red but shrugs, determined to look cool. 'Yeah, mate, it's the latest in catch phrases.'

'Really?'

'Sure,' says Alex seriously. 'And "golly" is back in style too.'

'Golly!' says Harry automatically. 'I mean – I knew that.'

Alex looks back at his watch to hide his snickers.

'Jamie is done nicking my stuff,' he reports. 'He just closed the bag and I'm guessing he'll be out of my room by now. He just took the Dead-Death-Eaters iPod, the Metamorph Mobile – pity, I had a hundred free texts on it – and the Old One Away Spray. Oh, I forgot the Power Prompter Pen. Looks like our Jamie is set to win the war all by himself.'

Harry grins. 'Only to die when Matt catches him.'

Three rooms away, Jamie sneaks back into his own bedroom and locks the door, giggling in triumph. He lays his precious gadgets on the bed reverently, his eyes wide with awe.

At last, he was going to win. At last, the war would be his. At last, he wouldn't get a headache and have to take six Panadol Extras to keep up with everyone else. At last, he would be the hero, and Harry Potter, Matthew Freeman and Alex Rider would be forced to look up to _him_!

'I bet even Scar will be impressed,' he says to himself, as he inspects each one up close, 'Sabina too. She'll have to ditch Alex and...'

He pauses for a moment to wonder whether or not he likes Alex enough not to do it, then decides he likes being in the spotlight more. '...and Ginny'll ditch Harry...'

He inspects the instructions for the Death Eater iPod absently as he mutters under his breath. They are written in Japanese. Typically.

'...and Hermione'll ditch Ron...'

He struggles to read the instructions for a few minutes, then realizes it's hopeless. He'll have to wait till later to use that one. The only thing he knows about it is that pressing play would stun any Death Eater in the vicinity (Apple and Smithers Ltd terms and conditions would like to inform the customer that the product will only work if the objective Death Eaters do not have a shield charm upon them and nobody has died for them, otherwise they will be protected against product unless setting is set to 'uber-strong'. Terms and conditions apply, and Apple and Smithers Ltd are not responsible for any side effects, nausea, amnesia, tuberculosis, polio, spattergroit and possible death included. One-hour guarantee).

'...and Scar will ditch whoever she's with...'

He goes on to the Old One Away Spray. The instructions are in Arabic. He gives up on that and goes on to the Metamorph Mobile. The instructions are in Portugese. He groans in frustration and picks up the Power Prompter Pen's instructions. They are in Swahili. Feeling very put out and reckless, he clicks the little golden pen anyway. When nothing happens, he clicks again. He waits a few minutes, but still nothing. He clicks it frantically, then angrily, then maniacally, until he tosses it into the bin grumpily and stows the rest of the gadgets under the bed, close to tears.

What he does not know is that the Power Prompter takes effect in three hours. And that a single click is all that's needed to _treble_ your power.

**Three hours later, in Lesser Malling, during the Autumn War Between Harry Potter & Co, Alex Rider & Co, The Five & Co, versus Voldemort & Co, Chaos & Co, and Herod Sayle, Damian Cray, Dr Marius Grief, General Alexei Sarov, Scorpia and Nikolei Drevin (& Co):**

Blood and sweat and dust everywhere. Everyone is screaming in anger, and adrenaline is rushing through every person, villain or hero. They are fighting to the –

'Time out!' screeches Scarlett as Bellatrix Lestrange starts to curse her. The hail that has been falling throughout the battle ceases suddenly.

'What?' says Bellatrix impatiently, her wand held aloft.

'I broke a nail,' whimpers Scar.

'Aw, you poor thing!' says Bellatrix sympathetically. 'I hate it when that happens!'

Scar nods sadly. 'Give me a few minutes. I'll be right back.'

'Okay, dear,' says Bellatrix. 'I'll wait right here. Don't be too long!'

In another part of the battlefield, Voldemort is locked in furious battle with Alex Rider. Alex has his Voldy-Go-Moldy iPod with him, and when he is not dodging he occasionally turns bits of Voldmort into fungus. Voldemort yelps as his pinky finger goes green and mushy.

'You dare, Rider!' he whines.

Alex rolls his eyes. 'Mortie, you used that one with Harry. Find something new to say.'

'Ow, that really hurt,' snaps Voldemort and he flexes his mouldy finger.

'Sorry, mate. All's fair in love and war.'

'Fine, but when this is over Pedro's healing my finger!'

Alex sighed. 'Yes, Mortie. Sorry.'

He looks around, bored, as Voldemort summons his Curse Encyclopedia to find a spell to counter Smither's gadgets. He watches as the Fly People flee a giant fly-swatter, curtesy of Hermione, and Yassen Gregorovitch smacks his brother Scott on the head before Scott quickly controls his mind. He watches as Albus Dumbldore and Mrs Deverill start arguing, and he watches as Alan Blunt pauses in his robotic routine to have a quick word with Professor McGonagall, whom he wants to ask out. He sees Luna Lovegood and her father helping Jack Starbright kick an Old One.

And then he spots Matt Freeman. He is not fighting.

He is staring at Jamie.

Matt is indeed looking at Jamie in confusion. He was fighting Julia Rothman when suddenly, a few minutes into the battle, Jamie had started acting strangely.

'Hang on a second, Jules,' he says quickly. 'I'll be back.'

Mrs Rothman shrugs. 'Take your time, Matthew, I'm in no rush. I'll be in my yacht, okay?'

'I'll text you when I'm done.'

He rushes over to Jamie, who has frozen while fighting Draco Malfoy. With a wave of Matt's hand, Malfoy is thrown into the air, so high he lands in India. Matt instantly turns to Jamie.

'What happened?'

'Alex – t-the – gaaaa – gaaaj...' croaks Jamie, who is standing stock-still with his head in his hands, utterly immobile. He seems unable to speak.

'You look like a constipated duck,' Matt blurts out before he can stop himself and Jamie glares helplessly.

'Gaaaaaaaa – ' he moans. Matt blinks.

' "Ga"?' he says quizzically. 'What's "ga" supposed to mean? "Ga" as in...I dunno. Goo goo gaa gaa? Jamie, _are you speaking baby_?'

Jamie clenches his jaw.

'Gaaaaaa!' he says fiercely. 'Gaaaa! Gaaaaaddd - '

'Gaga?' guesses Matt. 'Ga what? Gaaaaa...?'

'Gaaaaaaaadge!' Jamie manages to say. 'Ga – GAJ—'

'Gaj – gadge...' Matt gasps as he realized what Jamie is saying. 'Jamie! You mean _gadget_?'

Jamie throws him a dirty look that clearly means, 'Duh.'

Matt suddenly looks furious. 'Jamie! You've been playing with Alex's stuff, havent you? After I expressly told you not to, I said it, I even PMed you about it, didn't I? I said it a million times, no gadgets, I _soooooo_ told you so!'

'MAAAA!' screeches Jamie impatiently.

'Oh,' says Matt quickly. 'Right. You're stuck somehow. On it.'

He turns around and yells, 'EVERYONE, TAKE FIVE!'

There is a low mumble in the battlefield as people sigh in relief or groan in disappointment, but the fighting stops nontheless. Matt scans the area until he spots Smithers, and trots off towards him.

Jamie stands motionless, clutching his head, until he comes back.

'Smithers says you probably used the Power Prompter,' Matt rattles off. 'He told me if you clicked it more than once you're going to suffer what he called overdose, and your power will expand unbearably, for a few minutes, then you'll be able to talk but you will have side-effects...'

His voice trails off as Jamie does indeed manage to talk, hoarsely.

'I want you to _stop_ it,' he growls. 'I didn't need a diagnosis, thanks a lot.'

Matt sulks. 'You're so ungrateful. When the war resumes I'm making you go to the front line. Smithers said you'll just have to wait it out, but you wont be able to sleep for a few months.'

Jamie groans. 'But this is crazy! I can hear _everyone_'s thoughts!'

'Really?' says Matt with interest. 'How bad is it?'

Jamie scowls then bellows, 'Matt, some girl in Madagascar wants a pony for her birthday. _Why would I want to know about some girl in Madagascar who wants a pony for her birthday?_ Do I _look_ like I want to know about some girl in Madagascar who wants a pony for her birthday? _I shouldn't be able to read the thoughts_ of some girl in Madagascar who wants a pony for her birthday!'

'Ouch, mate,' says Matt, but he can't hide the smirk on his face.

Jamie shudders, turning green.

'What is it?'

'Honeymoon,' he chokes and Matt winces sympathetically, still struggling not to laugh.

Now Jamie moans and clutches his stomach.

'What now?'

'Somebody is throwing up in Malaysia...'

'Oh, ewwwww!'

'YUCK!'

'What now?'

'Some guy in Texas is eating worms!'

'Oh, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!'

Jamie suddenly lets out his breath in relief, looking blissful.

'What?'

'Ahhh, it's someone with a really empty head...oh, wait, it's George Bush.'

'Hahaha!'

'Urgh!'

'What _now_?'

'Remind me _never_ to find out how Grawp has his dinnnnneeerrr – '

Jamie groans and runs off to the St Mungo's tent, where he remains for the following three weeks. And even after that, he stays awake until the next war.

Meanwhile, everyone else has a hearty laugh, and when the bad guys hear of Jamie's plight they laugh so hard they either get stitches or hiccups and it was an easy matter for the good guys to win the war this round. They only have to fight Chaos, who doesn't seem to have a sense of humour, although when Matt talks to him online, he calls Jamie's problem a very "Lol" issue.

And that ends our third-slash-first longest short story ever about what would happen if Harry Potter, Alex Rider, and the Gatekeepers met. Thank you.


	2. The Longest Short Story Ever, Again

**Randomosity:**

"Matt."

Matthew Freeman looked up, raising an eyebrow. "Yes, Jamie?"

Jamie Tyler cleared his throat uncomfortably. "It's – it's about Alex."

"What's wrong with Alex?"

"He's ... er. I – it was an accident."

Matt immediately looked up in alarm. Accidents around twins who could read and control minds were not the best of accidents.

"_What did you do_?"

"I. Er. Well, you see. Er."

"Oh, that explains it," snapped Matt. "It appears Alex Rider has had a bad accident with a case of _er_."

"Gimme a second," said Jamie defensively. "This isn't easy to say, you know."

"Spit it out," ordered Matt and a glob of spit immediately hit him in the face. Matt looked at Jamie in horror, his mouth gaping open as the saliva dripped off his cheek.

"Jamie - _oh my GOD!_ EWWWWWWWWW!"

"I'm so sorry!" wailed Jamie, fumbling around for a hanky desperately. He found one in his back pocket and gave it to Matt apologetically. "This is what happened, you see!"

"Huh?" demanded Matt, wiping at his face frantically with a pink hanky decorated with red hearts.

"I ... er ... I was playing with Alex's iPod," began Jamie with great discomfort. "And it seemed that Smithers had been – well, using it."

"It had new gadgets concealed in it?" asked Matt.

"Well, that and he had Miley Cyrus on his playlist and Alex doesn't listen to – "

"Please just get to the point, Jamie!" moaned Matt.

"Oh. Right. So, it seemed that Smithers had added some new ... perks. Apart from the whole Voldy-Go-Mouldy thing and being a Death-to-the-Death-Eaters thing, he'd added something called the 'Superpower Switch'. It was right under Linkin Park and that little wheel thing is so hard to control and stuff, you know, plus I have sweaty hands and my thumb was sprained and – "

"Jamie!" barked Matt.

" – I opened it by accident," blurted Jamie, going red. Matt sighed, and he went on, going even redder. "And it turns out Smithers wasn't done programming it yet annnnnd ... everyone I talk to gets my power."

"So ..."

"Everyone can officially read my mind. And order me around."

"Wait a second," said Matt quickly. "So – this accident. It's just bad for _you_, right?"

"Yes," said Jamie, his lower lip wobbling dangerously.

"How long is this for?"

"Alex called Smithers. He's on vacation in Hawaii. But he said it'd last all day."

More dangerous wobbling.

"Cool!" said Matt in delight.

"Matt!" wailed Jamie.

"Sorry, mate," said Matt happily, positively beaming. "Dreadful luck. Too bad."

Jamie burst into tears.

"Hey, Jamie," said Matt kindly, handing him his own handkerchief back.

"Y – y – yes?" sniffled Jamie.

"Why does your hanky have red hearts on it?"

__________________________________________________

**At the dinner table [Matthew Freeman, Jamie Tyler, Hermione Granger, Scarlett Adams, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Alex Rider, Alan Blunt, Scott Tyler]**:

"Would you like some more mashed potatoes, Alan?" offered Hermione politely.

Alan Blunt grunted.

"That's a yes," translated Scott.

"How about you, Jamie?" asked Hermione.

"No, thanks," said Jamie quickly. The mashed potatoes tasted like rubber.

Hermione's eyes flashed dangerously. "Really, Jamie, _thanks a lot_. I'm the one who made it! I don't see _you_ slaving away in the kitchen!"

Jamie winced. "Sorry, Hermione."

Girls were so sensitive.

"Well I don't remember a _girl_ crying when Matt beat her at football," snapped Scarlett.

Jamie groaned. "Of course, sorry, Scar. And I didn't cry, by the way."

"You bawled like a baby!" snorted Ron.

Alan Blunt grunted twice.

"He says you cried when Alex beat you, too," translated Scott.

"I did not!"

"You bawled like a baby!" repeated Ron.

"Thanks a lot." _You idiot._

"Oi!" yelled Ron.

"ENOUGH READING MY MIND!" wailed Jamie.

Scott shrugged. "Hey, believe me I'm just about sick of it."

"Not much to read, anyway," chortled Alex.

Jamie glared at him. "Well we can't _all_ be superspies with amazing intelligence and a file in every major intelligence agency and – "

Alan Blunt grunted.

"He says it's a pity there aren't more of Alex," translated Scott.

"I disagree!" said Harry in alarm. "Another of Alex and we'd all be obsolete."

"Amen," said Ron, Scott, Matt, Jamie and Hermione in unison.

"Oh, I don't know," said Scar thoughtfully. "He's cute, and if there were two of him ..."

Alex flushed bright red and everyone stared at Scar.

"Oh!" she said with a gasp. "I meant – I meant, you know, one for me and one for Sabina, that's all!"

_Yeah, right._

"Jamie, you pervert," growled Scar.

"ENOUGH OF THAT!" screamed Jamie in exasperation.

Ron clapped Alex on the back. "Hear that, mate? We can market you."

A grunt from Alan Blunt.

"He says he's not for sale," translated Scott tiredly.

"I should bloody well think so," muttered Alex. Scar looked disappointed.

Alan Blunt grunted one more time.

"He says Alex is personal property of MI6."

Alex looked outraged, but Scar spoke up first.

"Oooh so can you, like, rent him?" she asked eagerly.

There was another pause.

"I meant, for, er, other intelligence agencies!" she said hurriedly.

_Yeah, right._

"Jamie, you watch that mind of yours or else – "

"GIANT SPIDER!" screeched Ron suddenly, backing away from the table, upturning his plate and flinging mashed potatoes everywhere. Hermione yelped as a faceful of it smacked into her.

"Hey," she said in surprise. "Jamie was right, this _does_ taste like rubber."

_I told you so!_

"GIANT SPIDER!" shrieked Ron urgently.

"Oh!"

"Is it battle season already?" said Scar in confusion.

"Old Ones coming?"

"My gadgets!"

"Grunt!"

"This is no time to be thinking of Mrs Jones, Alan!"

"Is Voldy here?"

"Chaos?"

"I forgot my fly-swatter! Tell me the fly people aren't here yet!"

"Argh, I'm wearing heels!"

"Smithers is on vacation! I'm going to die!"

"_GIANT SPIDER!_" bellowed Ron. Everyone stopped babbling and stared at him.

"Where?" asked Harry authoratively, whipping out his wand.

Ron pointed with a trembling finger on the dinner table.

Everyone groaned.

"Ron," hissed Scarlett. "That's a garden spider."

"Its bloody huge!"

"Mind your language, Ron!" Hermione reminded him.

"Oh all right already I bloody will! When you bloody KILL IT!"

"I have it under control," said Alex wearily, pulling a Kleenex out of his pocket.

"See, Jamie?" said Matt, nudging him. "Real men carry Kleenex."

"WILL SOMEONE BLOODY KILL IT ALREADY!"

"I'm not using an Unforgivable Curse on a living creature," said Hermione primly.

"I'm too lazy," Harry explained.

"I like little spiders," said Matt apologetically.

"I just painted my nails and I don't want spider guts on them," Scar blew on her fingernails expertly.

"Alex's got it," said Jamie brightly.

Alan Blunt gave a long grunt, two short ones, then a squeaky one.

"He says he's too important to be bothered by such trivial things," said Scott with a sigh.

"What was that squeaky one for?"

"Oh, he was farting."

"If you'd all stop your inane chatter," said Alex professionally. "I am about to save Ronald from his petrifying situation."

"If you'd just bloody get on with it already ..."

Alex put the Kleenex over the surprised spider, then turned to Jamie.

"Can I borrow something?"

"What?"

"Your head," said Alex cheerfully, slamming Jamie's head onto the Kleenex smoothly then letting go. "Thank you, that's all."

Jamie rubbed his red forehead furiously, everyone wincing as profanities erupted in is brain.

"Why'd you do that?!"

"Language, Jamie!" said Hermione as Jamie's brain continued swearing colorfully.

"Sorry," said Alex. "I needed someone with a thick skull and nothing fragile inside."

Jamie was about to make an outraged reply when Ron wailed suddenly.

"It's moving! You didn't kill it! The bloody tissue's moving!"

"Oh, look at that," said Alex brightly. "Not only are you stupid, but your head's soft, too."


	3. Moar?

Voldemort cracked his knuckles menacingly, staring down with cruel red eyes at a trembling Major Winston Yu. Slit nostrils flared.

"So, is it true?" demanded Voldemort, cracking his knuckles again.

Major Winston Yu nodded, his eyes wide and fearful.

"Death Eaters!" yelled Voldemort, and within an instant Bellatrix Lestrange had Apparated to his side.

"My Lord?" she inquired sweetly.

Voldemort looked momentarily put out. "Where's the rest of you?"

"On vacation in Hawaii," answered Bellatrix. "All but, I, my Lord. I alone refused to give in to temptation, I alone remain devoted to you, I alone – "

"Yeah, yeah," whined Voldemort impatiently. "So, you're all I have to work with?"

Bellatrix pouted. "I don't see what's wrong with that. I killed Sirius Black, didn't I? Didn't I?"

Winston Yu snorted. Bellatrix spun around and glared at him.

"Excuse me," coughed Yu. "It was just so amusing to hear you boast of _one_ decent kill. No offense intended, of course."

Bellatrix emmited a high-pitched squealing laugh. "Well, at least when I travel I'm not marked _fragile_, unlike you, Major Yu. People with glass bones shouldn't throw stones. No offense intended, of course."

"Well, _convict_, _I_ never got caught! I am a member of Scorpia, the highest-rated terrorist group in the world!"

"...might I remind you, Monsieur, that Scorpia got taken down by _one_ wandless teenager?"

Major Yu gasped. She had crossed a dangerous line.

"You called me Monsieur, witch!" he shrieked. "I am _English_! I tell you, English!"

Bellatrix snorted. "English? Are you kidding? If I turn you over I bet you'll have 'Made in China' stamped on your soles."

Voldemort privately wondered what had brought _monsieur_ into the conversation then, but neglected to ask.

"My shoes were manufactured in England," said Major Yu with great dignity.

"Well, that's stupid, everyone knows Italian is best," snapped Voldemort. The other two paused and looked down at his bare, yellow-toed feet in confusion.

"You need a pedicure, my lord," mumbled Bellatrix.

Voldemort seemed flustered for a second, then remembered what he'd been calling Bellatrix about in the first place.

"Ah ... er – never mind that now. I have summoned you because Major Yu had some very interesting news for me. It seems Scorpia seeks to form an alliance with us in order to take down the Old Ones."

"What? Why?" asked Bellatrix curiously.

"Because Chaos is getting too bossy for his own good, and blocking out all the sunlight so Julia Rothman can't go tanning," explained Winston Yu.

"Really?"

"Oh – and there's something else. But you have to see for yourself."

Bellatrix and Voldemort looked on in interest and Major Yu pulled out a teeny laptop and flicked in on.

"I warn you, this may be shocking," he warned them.

They both gasped as they saw what he had opened. It was Chaos' Facebook page.

**Name**: Chaos Chaos.

**Status**: Getting ready to take over the world! Wish me luck, guys! Lol, lol, :) :) [ **Fly Guy #1 likes this**. **4 comments**.]

**Comments**: [ **Fly Guy #2** ] - _Hey, boss, when r we going 2 attack Vol & Scorpia? Alex Rider's getting antsy and if we don't hurry we'll be 2 busy with da Summer War 2 crush da other bad guys so we can take over da world._

[ **Giant Monkey** ] - _Ii need aa bgiger kyebarod cnat tpye smoenoe getrt mee 1 plz._

[ **Giant Spider** ] - _I totally didn't get that._

[ **Fire Rider #2** ] - _He says he can't type because the keyboard is too small for his giant monkey fingers. I'll ask Scorpia for one right after we attack, kill, maul, maim, torture, rob defeat them and crush their morale. Fly Guy, Chaos says we're off to attack at midnight tonight._

**Chaos Chaos won Matthew Freeman playing Tic-Tac-Toe. Play now to try and beat Chao's score!**

**Chaos Chaos scored 2% on the 'How Well Do You Know Albus Dumbledore?' quiz. Create your own quiz!**

**Chaos Chaos wrote on Aragog's wall**: - _Haha, Happy Anniversary! You and Giant Spider make a great couple._

**Chaos Chaos joined the group 'Are You An Evil Villain About To Crush All The Other Bad Guys To Be The Biggest Threat And Take Over The World?'.**

Bellatrix gasped. "Oh my God, Vol – Dark Lord! I think Chaos is going to attack us!"

"No, really?" asked Major Yu, deadpan. "What gave it away?"

"That comment, by the Fly Guy," cried Bellatrix accusingly. "That was what gave it away!"

"Rhetorical question, actually, but nobody pays attention anymore ..." murmured Yu.

"Do you realize what this means?" demanded Voldemort. "We must attack them before they attack us. The best defense is a good offense. Get ready to join forces with Scorpia, Bella. We must put Chaos back in his place."

Bellatrix made a face. "What, back in the ground? There is no freakin' way I'm opening that gate again, Matt and his crew have the key and – "

"I meant metaphorically," said Voldemort wearily. "As in, back to a humble stature."

"But he's King Of the Old Ones," said Bellatrix. "He's not supposed to be humble. You're just a lord. He's a _king_."

Voldemort growled. "I am more powerful and that's all there is to it."

"Okay," said Bellatrix doubtfully.

"And from now on, I will be referred to as the Dark King," added Voldemort.

"Oh, that's not gonna work," Yu put in. "'Cause that'd mean you're married to the Queen, bless her. Or they'd confuse you with Elvis, who is _the_ King. Or Michael Jackson, the King of Pop."

"The Dark King of the Magical World, then," snapped Voldemort.

"But everyone calls you You-Know-Who anyway!" complained Bellatrix. "Why do us Death Eaters have to get stuck calling you that? By the time we say it we say it we could be dead."

"All the better then!" shouted Voldemort, exasperated. "The whole point of having an evil minion army is that they're supposed to _do as I say_. Isn't it bad enough I got stuck with Severus Snape? Now hop to it. Chaos'll be here soon."

"Good," said Major Yu, his eyes gleaming. "Scorpia has its defences ready. We've prepared the smallpox virus provided to Herold Sayle, got all of Hugo Grief's clones ready, accumilated a decent store of uranium, kidnapped Air Force One with all its plentiful bombs that only-America-gets-to-have-but-nobody-else-does, have injected all the world's citizens with nano particles of gold-and-poison, dropped Ark Angel out of the sky, and manufactured a Tsunami. Oh, and we also have an army of Snakeheads and illegal weaponry at our disposal."

"And we," declared Bellatrix, whipping out her wand. "Have prepared our ..."

"Sticks."

"Yeah ... sticks," muttered Voldemort glumly.

_________________________________________________________________

**After the fight between Chaos & co. vs Voldemort & co., plus Scorpia & co.**:

"We won!" cried Draco Malfoy victoriously, pumping his fist in the air and kicking an unconscious Old One vindictively. He patted his white-blond hair quickly, then continued, "we won! Na na na naaaaaa na!"

Chaos lay slumped in the middle of the battlefield. Bellatrix pranced around him, jumping up and down as she cackled madly. The triumphant Scorpia members and Death Eaters watched her.

"Nah," said Voldemort to Julia Rothman. "Helena Bonham Carter definitely did it better."

The bad guys-who-beat-the-other-bad-guys cheered nontheless as the remaining Old Ones all fled, finally knowing it was a lost cause.

And then a voice behind them spoke up.

"Oh, hey!" said Harry Potter cheerfully, grinning around at Matthew Freeman, Alex Rider and all the other good guys around him. "Oh, isn't that sweet, guys? Voldy and Scorps got rid of Chaos' bunch for us!"

A chorus of 'awww's and 'how thoughtful's and 'well, that'll make things easier's erupted from all around. Hermione looked thrilled. Alex looked regretful. Jamie was still recovering from the last parody and therefore unfortunately unavailable. Everyone else looked very pleased.

"Wait a second ..." began Winston Yu slowly.

_________________________________________________________________

**Ten Minutes Later**:

"... I can't believe," croaked Major Yu from where he sat sprawled helplessly on the ground with a broken toe and a black eye. "We went through all that just to get whupped by the good guys, anyway."

_________________________________________________________________

**Name**: Matthew Freeman.

**Status**: I can't believe they didn't see that coming! What dorks! Hahahahaha. [ **98 friends like this. 5 comments.** ]

**Comments: **[ **Ginny Weasley** ] - _Yea, gr8 victory, Matt, u free 2nite?_

[ **Harry Potter** ] - _Ginny!_

[ **Jamie Tyler** ] - _So sad I missed it. :'(_

[ **Matthew Freeman** ] - _I was free tonight but I'm not anymore. I have to stay at home tending to a bruised eyeball caused by a certain holly stick being poked into it. Sorry, Ginny._

[ **Alex Rider** ] - _Sorry, Jame. I'm sure you'll be fine by our next war. But please stop meddling with my gadgets. It was terribly boring without you, though, Jamie. You always do make us laugh. Ginny: I'm free. And I can kick Harry's butt anytime._


	4. IT NEVER ENDS!

**The Longest Short Story Ever, Part VI – **

Voldemort eyed the computer screen sadly. He hated the time between planning wars with his enemies. It was so dreadfully boring – no killing, no pillaging ... why, hardly any torture at all!

_Except for me_, he thought gloomily. When he had nothing to do, Voldemort did like everyone else: he opened the internet.

**Voldemort** says: Chaos, are you /very/ bored?

**K. Os** says: Xtremely, V.

**Voldemort **says: Isn't this sad? Two once-mightly villains, sitting here on their computers doing nothing.

**K. Os** says: Speak for yourself. I happen to be gaining extensive knowledge on the good guys that we can use to win the next war.

**Voldemort** says: Ooo, secret military websites?

**K. Os** says: ... Wikipedia.

--

Back in the glory days, Chaos had tortured a computer programmer into building him a giant keyboard to suit his needs. After all, supervillain or not, he knew how easily chat rooms could turn into a rebellion. He'd wanted to keep tabs on his slaves.

Not that it came to anything, seeing as five pesky kids had ruined his plans to destroy the world. Chaos tapped his keyboard glumly. He'd barely had a few months of triumph.

God, he hated teenagers. After what had happened, a dozen members of his army had contracted Ephibophobia.

Feeling depressed, he turned on his iPod. Another Apple manufacturer tortured.

_I used to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuule the world, seas would rise when I gave the word ..._

Chaos burst into tears. Even Coldplay was out to rub salt on his sensitive wounds.

**K. Os** says: I HATE MUSIC!

**Voldemort** says: ???

--

Smithers and Hermione were in deep discussion. Hermione wanted to know how the Old One Away spray worked. Smithers wanted to build a Warrior's Wand (handy for all claliber of warriors, works on Five members and Alex Rider, also casts spells if you happen to be Witch/Wizard – emits high-powered laser. Smithers Inc not responsible for any decapitations, accidental limb loss, sudden hair cutting, etc etc).

Meanwhile, Alex Rider and Harry Potter were sitting at Matthew Freeman's laptop. Harry was gushing over his fan mail.

"Look at that one!" he said, beaming. "A witch in Alaska thinks I'm cool! In Alaska! They've heard of me in – "

"Yes, Alaska, I heard you!" snapped Alex. He did not like being upstaged.

"And look at this one!" squealed Harry. "This one's from a guy in Zimbabwe!"

Alex glowered. "Do you even know where Zimbabwe _is_?"

Harry flushed. "Yes."

"Yeah? Where is it?"

"Next to Zimbabthem," said Harry with a grin, earning a giggle from Smithers and an eye-roll from Hermione. Alex uttered a frustrated growl.

"You don't _deserve_ all this fan mail!" he complained. "All you did was point a stick and mutter a few big words!"

Harry let out an outraged shriek. "Are you _kidding_ me? And did that Basilisk slay itself? Did Dumbledore get Slughorn's memory with his own good persuasion skills?"

"You were _high_ when you got the memory from Slughorn!" interjected Alex. "I don't think that counts!"

"I was not_ high_!" said Harry, looking horrified. "I was on _potion_!"

"Same difference, that's like on drugs!"

"No, it isn't!"

"I'm afraid it is, Harry, dear," called Hermione apologetically. Alex smirked.

Harry pulled out his wand threateningly. "Another smug word out of you, Rider, and I'll – "

Alex punched him in the nose.

"Herbiobe!" wailed Harry as blood spurted out of his nostrils. "Herbiobe! He broke by bose!"

Hermione stood up. "You went a bit too far with that one, Alexander Rider!"

She pulled out her wand and raised her arm, eyeing Alex dangerously. Alex let out a girlish shriek and ran out of the room.

Meanwhile, in the corner, Jamie Tyler put down the video camera and grinned widely to himself, a Cheshire cat grin that did not bode well for anyone else.

"Scarly?" he called sweetly as he ran up the stairs. "Do you mind if I use your computer?"

--

**(*) Voldemort (*)** says: Hey, K, are you still depressed?

**K. Os [I'm Still Depressed]** says: What do /you/ think?

**(*) Voldemort (*)** says: Well, then, I found a little thing on Youtube that might cheer you up ... just don't forget to send it to all our friends!

**K. Os [I'm Still Depressed]** says: What friends? We're the bad guys, you idiot! We don't /have/ friends!

**(*) Voldemort (*)** says: Oh, just watch it!

_A few minutes later ..._

**K. Os** says: Rofls. That. Was. Funny.

The End.


	5. EVEN MOAR!

**The Longest Short Story Ever Part VII – **

"_RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDER!_" roared Harry Potter.

"_What_!" Alex Rider yelled back, running out of his room and glaring at Harry. "What _now_, Potter?! Can't find the remote again?!"

Harry's chest was heavy and his knuckles were white. "You wish, Rider, you wish. This time it's something drastic."

"What, you can't unlock your mobile keypad _again_?" said Alex with a sigh.

Harry shook his head mutely and his eyes filled with tears.

"My wand," he said, his voice breaking miserably. "It's my wand, Rider. My wand ... broke."

Alex groaned. "You called me out of my room because your _stick cracked_? Get another one, for crying out loud!"

Harry lost all control and sank down sobbing. Alex took a step backwards uneasily.

_Uh oh,_ he thought uncomfortably. _Wizardly wailing._

Alex had faced down thousands upon thousands near-death experiences, but the display of emotion proved too much for him. He took off running.

"Hermioneeeeeee!" he squealed, tearing down the corridor. "Matty! Scarlyyyy!!! Anybody, _help me_!"

Doors crashed open as Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley, Matthew Freeman and Scarlett Adams rushed out in alarm, wondering what the ruckus was about.

"Whatever is it, Alex?" demanded Hermione. Alex pointed with a trembling finger down the hall, where Harry appeared in danger of drowning in his own tears.

"Harry!" squealed Scarlett and Hermione together, running towards Harry, who was sobbing heavily, and kneeling down by him.

"What's wrong, mate?" said Ron in concern, from where he stood by Alex. Like Alex, he seemed to be scared to venture closer. Evidently, Matt also shared this feeling, as he didn't even step farther than his doorway.

"What happened, Matt?" asked Hermione gently.

"Er – I think I know," muttered Alex, motioning Ron and Matt closer. They leaned forwards and Alex whispered, "well – he said – at least, I think it is ... apparently, his, you know, stick? Erm ... it broke."

Ron fainted.

"Ron!" gasped Alex as Matt turned green. "Ron! What's the matter with you, wizard? Get up, your friend _needs_ you!"

Matt's voice was shaking. "What's the matter with _you_, Rider?! Didn't you just hear yourself?! His ... it _broke_!"

Understanding dawned on Alex, and he looked horrified. "No, you dolt! I don't mean _that_! His wand, you idiot! His _real_ wand, the holly stick with sparks coming out of it! _God_!"

Ron miraculously woke up, looking tremendously relieved. "Oh. Couldn't you have just _said_ so, mate? There I was thinking – "

"_Moving_ on," said Alex pointedly. "What do we do?"

All three of them turned in unison towards Harry, who was still inconsolable as Hermione and Scarlett patted his shoulder gingerly.

Ron looked seriously at Alex, who looked seriously at Matt, who looked over his shoulder, then back at Ron sheepishly.

"You know what the three of us need to do," declared Ron. "We need to break into Dumbledore's high-security tomb, steal the Elder Wand, bring it back to Harry, fix his wand, then take it back."

Alex swallowed. "Can't we just buy him a new one?"

* * *

"Are you _sure_ we can't buy him a new one?" persisted Alex, his voice trembling as he eyed the lake surrounding Hogwarts.

"Please tell me we don't have to swim that," said Matt nervously. "I mean, sure, I've fought Chaos and mildly injured him, and I've been through hell and back, but, dude, that looks _cold_."

Alex let out his girlish shriek as a tentacle broke the surface of the water. "Eep! ROOON! There's an octopus down there!"

"Actually, it's a giant squid," said Ron, trying to sound confident. He failed. Epically.

Matt regained some of his own confidence, snorting. "Giant squid? Heh, I've seen worse."

"It's bigger than your giant monkey, Matt," said Ron with a sigh.

Matt squealed and jumped into Alex's arms. "_I am not going in there, Ronald Weasley!_"

Alex dropped him in disgust, then turned to Ron desperately. "I'm not going, either! Harry can cry himself dry for all I care!"

Ron set his jaw. "You guys, he's my best friend. Alex, you risked your life to save stupid Sabina! Matt, you risked _yours_ to save stupid Scarlett! Can't you get over your Squid-o-phobia to save _my_ friend?"

"I'm telling Scar you called her stupid," muttered Alex as he took off his shoes grumpily.

* * *

"T-t-t-that w-w-w-was c-c-c-cold," stammered Matt as he got out of the lake. Alex was shivering so hard his teeth kept clacketing like a tap-dancer's heels. Ron was trying to dial Alex's mobile to call Hermione and ask her for the spell to create heat, but Alex had forgotten to take it out and it had been ruined by frigid waters.

"Some w-w-w-wizard y-y-you a-a-are!" snapped Alex, as Ron stamped on the phone angrily.

"Oh, sh-sh-shut up, t-t-t-teenage s-s-spy!" Ron snapped back.

They walked a bit more as they thawed.

"So, where's Dumbledore's tomb?" asked Matt conversationally once his tongue was capable of movement again.

"Well, I'd call him and ask, but _Alex_ here forgot to take his phone out when he took a dip – "

"Ronald," said Alex with forced patience. "Let's not go there."

"Hey guys!" called Matt, who had gone ahead. "Is it the big white rock?"

"Kinda!" said Ron hopefully.

"Then I think I found it!" squealed Matt. They ran to the tomb – then stopped dead.

"Oh, hello, boys!" said Dumbledore pleasantly, smiling at them, then winking at Alex. "_Hello,_ Alex."

Alex shuddered slightly, then gave him a forced grin. "Hiya, D."

"You boys looking for something?" asked Dumbledore cheerfully.

"The Eldest wand," answered Alex, then grunted as Ron nudged him painfully.

"This is a Harry Potter parody, not an Eragon one, you moron!" he growled.

"The Elder wand," explained Matt wearily as Ron and Alex started bickering again.

" – I _knew_ that, Weasley, one simple mistake and suddenly it's all my fault – "

" – well, it _is_ your fault! I mean – "

" – MY FAULT! I regret ever coming on this mad trip in the first place! Harry can go stuff this Elder wand up – "

Dumbledore handed the Elder wand to Matt brightly. Matt grinned at him, then dragged them both away from the tomb and back to the lake.

"Will you both stop this?" he snarled as the two of them continued bickering.

"NO!" they both yelled back together. Matt sighed.

"I bet I can shut you up," he said smugly.

Alex rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah? How?"

"By telling you that right now, we have to swim all the way back," said Matt.

They shut up.

**

* * *

Song Sung By Alex Rider On The Way Back From Hogwarts:**

_Oh Harry,_

_Oh Potter,_

_You rotter ..._

_I can't believe you wand is broke_

_You must be one stupid bloke_

'_Cause here we are, frozen and half-dead_

_While you're probably at home, snuggled in bed,_

_Oh Harry,_

_I hate you,_

_I wish Aragog and Voldemort had ate you_

– "That is so wrong," interjected Ron, but Matt shushed him before Alex bit his head off –

_Oh, Potter, I wish with all my might_

_That someone would squeeze_

_Your scrawny neck real tight_

_Oh Harry ..._

* * *

"Harry!" the three of them cried together as they ran back into the house. "Harry! Hermione! Scarl, Ginny, Pedro! Scott! Jamie!"

"What?" several voices cried out in confusion, and heads popped out of the doorways respectively.

"What happened?" asked Ginny, her voice hushed. "And be quiet! Harry's napping!"

"Does having your wand broken turn you back into a baby?" whispered Alex to Matt. Matt shrugged at him, looking perplexed.

"We got the Elder wand!" announced Ron excitedly. "We're heroes! We can fix Harry's wand!"

"Oh, _that_," said Ginny with a sigh. "Dear God, Ronald, we fixed it ages ago. Hermione did it."

Ron faltered. "Hermi – o – fix – Harry ... wa – _wha_?"

"It was only a little broken," explained Hermione hastily. Ron's eyes looked ready to pop. "Really, hardly a splinter. Harry overreacted – "

Ron looked seriously at Alex, who looked seriously at Matt, who looked seriously at Ron.

"Shall we?" asked Alex.

Matt nodded. "Let's."

"What – where're you guys going?"

"_TO KILL HARRY!_" all three of them yelled back, and then they headed for Harry's room.

Then Alex came back and smiled at Scarlett. "Ooh, by the way Scarly – Ron called you stupid."

**The End.**


	6. She ran out of Chapter Titles

**The Longest Short Story Ever Part VI:**

Chaos had almost forgotten why he'd wanted to come to this stupid Earth. First, he'd had a massive battle, promptly been defeated by a bunch of zitty, pubescent children and been locked in another dimension for ten thousand years.

_Ten thousand years_.

Even a dinosaur would cringe at that. Ten thousand years – and God knew how boring it had been. The entire army had had only one pack of cards between them, and by the end of the _TEN BLOODY THOUSAND YEARS_ they'd lost the second joker and three of the kings, and everybody hated playing with an incomplete set. And have youever _tried_ playing Charades with a bunch of men made of flies? It was "Bzzzzzzzzz" the whole time. They couldn't bloody even say the _I_, because all you could see was _flies._

And then the Gate had been unlocked!

Oh, what a glorious moment it had been. Chaos had been practicing in the mirror for ages for this moment (he hadn't exactly had anything else to _do_), perfecting his roar, the perfect growl as his hand would thrust outwards majestically – and it had been _awesome!_

Except for the part _after_ his hands had thrust out. Then the _SAME BLOODY ZITTY_ boy who'd led the last teenage gang had ruined it all, and Chaos had been sucked back into the Gate before you could say 'unfair.'

And a few more months of playing Charades and trying to find card games that didn't need kings or jokers ensued.

But then, aha! The Gate had been unlocked once again! This time by some nutty old bloke with a horse-face. Even by human standards, he was quite ugly. But Chaos wasn't fussed, Humpty Dumpty himself could have unlocked the Gate, the important thing was that he was out.

And then those lovely, lovely few months spent in Hong Kong. Hong Kong was fabulous. Best vacation he'd ever had.

After that, they'd moved to the Pole, had a great time there, too. Polar bears were just so darn _cute!_

... and then there'd been another big, huge war thingie – and they lost.

Every time Chaos remembered how close he'd been, he had to eat several tons of ice-cream to recover. He'd gone into depression. He'd watched nothing but _Friends_, but that didn't clear up his depression. Even his good buddies, Voldemort and the assorted dead members of Scorpia couldn't clear it up. Everyone thought it was only a matter of time before Chaos's depression took a turn for the worse and he became emo.

But the worst happened.

Chaos _did_ turn emo. He dyed his hair black, combed it into his eyes, squeezed his evil butt into a pair of skinny jeans, and started listening to Fall Out Boy, Mayday Parade, and Jimmy Eat World.

It was around then Voldemort despaired. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" was an overrated mantra, and the sight of his emo-ified buddy made Voldemort miserable at best.

It's not sure how long Chaos would have remained depressed. But the fact of the matter is – he _recovered_. It had taken one thing to help him recover. But it had been epic. A huge shift of events.

Chaos turned on TV one day, and watched the Twilight movie.

He has been laughing ever since.

--

_**Chaos Chaos's Facebook Page:**_

**Chaos **They sparkle! The vampires bloody sparkle! And I thought being beaten by a couple of teenagers was bad!

**Tom 'Voldemort' Riddle, Harry Potter and 5 other friends like this. 7 comments.**

**Harry Potter:** A couple of teenagers? Really, K, don't be so hard on yourself. There were _five_. **Tom 'Voldemort' Riddle** was beaten by one!

**Tom 'Voldemort' Riddle**: W/e.

**Matt Freeman:** They do more than sparkle! They sing, they dance, they play piano!

**Hermione Granger: **... I'd appreciate it if you guys stopped insulting Twilight now. *cough* teamjacobforever *cough*

**Ginny Weasley: **Mum wouldn't let me watch it. Says it's degrading to magical folk. But I thought vampires sucked blood, not sparkled ...?

**Chaos Chaos**: No, these vampires just suck.

_**A/N: Sorry. Couldn't resist. **_


	7. Chapter Something Moar Stuff!

_**The Longest Short Story Ever Part VII:**_

Voldemort had been relieved that Chaos's depressed phase was over, but that didn't mean it was all peachy, of course. It was hard to be peachy when you were the villains. Not because being evil was depressing, of course. Mainly because they lost.

Voldemort's loss was stupefying. To this day, he looked back on the final duel with great shame. It was ridiculous. He'd been killed with a bloody _disarming_ spell? He wasn't sure how to handle the shame. With looks like his, sticking out was inevitable. In the bad-guy world, Voldemort was laughingstock.

Sure, it was better than being Scorpia - _they'd_ been defeated by one measly muggle child. Who was _fourteen_. At least Harry had been seventeen. And a wizard. With the _Elder Wand._ That did make him feel better.

But he was still laughingstock. Even Galbatorix had popped in from Eragon-world to laugh at him. Which was unbearable, because Galbatorix was really just a knock-off version of a _proper_ Lord of the Rings villain. Voldemort's original character wasn't sure he could handle the horror of it any longer.

The trouble was, he couldn't even avenge himself! Go after Harry Potter again?

_Puh-leez._

He'd spent seven years hunting down that idiot baby. It was bad enough the baby had killed him – kind of – in the first place! Really.

His CV was humiliating.

**Voldemort: Darkest wizard in history. Outwitted death. Found the Elder Wand. Talked to snakes. Killed by way of baby.**

**Returned from the half-dead. Killed again by a disarming charm.**

**(also, killed by **_**love**_**).**

Sirius Black had been killed by drapery. But even he didn't have it as bad as Voldemort.

"Really, Bella," he moaned to her one day, clutching his bald head with his hands. "What did I do to deserve this, I ask you?"

Bellatrix was silent.

"It's so _unfair_," he wailed. "Harry Potter? Oh, _he's_ the hero. Even though _I_ did all the hard work. Who created seven horcruxes? Who re-opened the Chamber of Secrets? Who took the Elder Wand from the dead Dumbles? Wasn't _him_, I can tell you that!"

Bellatrix was privately relieved Voldemort was too bald to be emo.

Voldemort's lower lip trembled and he took a look at himself in the mirror. This was pathetic. He needed to cheer himself up. He'd already seen the Twilight movie – "Ssssparkly vampires?" was all he could utter – so that wasn't going to work. What he needed was something _epic_.

So he did what all people did when they wanted something _epic._

He went to Alex Rider.

--

Alex crossed his arms over his chest and looked at Voldemort skeptically.

"You want _me_ to cheer you up?" he demanded. "Do I look like bloody Dr. Phil to you?"

Voldemort bit back a cutting retort and spoke disdainfully. Well, as disdainfully as someone groveling for help could. "I'm just asking if you know someone who knows someone, you know. That's all."

"What's in it for me?" asked Alex shrewdly.

"Does there have to be something in it for _you_?" whined Voldemort.

"Well, duh," said Alex, rolling his eyes. "I didn't get where I am by doing stuff for free."

"You work for Alan Blunt! How much have they paid you for saving the world seven times, Alex?"

"Hey," said Alex, looking insulted. "Eight times. Crocodile Tears is out."

"Please, Alex?" pleaded Voldemort. Alex eyed him for a few moments.

"I suppose I can recommend you to Smithers," he said at last.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" said Voldemort fervently.

"Don't thank me," muttered Alex. "I'm just doing it because I want to save us all the sight of an emo Voldemort, that's all."

Voldemort hung his head. "I already tried. It's the baldness. It's sad."

---

"Have a cuppa, old chap?" said Smithers kindly, looking at Voldemort's morose expression. "You look like you could use it. You're dreadfully pale."

"Oh, that's just for dramatic effect," said Voldemort with a sigh, accepting the teacup graciously. "Pale is in, you know?"

"Like that Edward Cullen chap, eh?" said Smithers, laughing heartily. Voldemort choked on his tea. He was going tanning, that was for sure.

"So – I was wondering, if you might have anything to help me," he said after a pause, trying to make his freakish slitty eyes look hopeful.

"Oh, a gadget or something of the sort, you mean?" asked Smithers brightly, putting down his own tea. "I was wondering about that ... Alex told me, see. Wonderful boy, he is."

Voldemort grunted.

"... well, I might, but I do want to know why you simply can't use one of your marvelous wand tricks. Those Cheering Charms are something else. I had Harry – "

Voldemort cringed. "Please refrain from using the _H_ word in my presence."

"Oh, sorry," said Smithers hastily. "What I meant to say was, why not use your magic?"

Voldemort sighed heavily. "I don't know. Bella says it's because I've depended on magic so much during my life, doing something _normally_ would be a refreshing change. The other day, I tried _walking_. You know, without _flying_ or _Apparating_ or any of that stuff. It was exotic, my knees were wobbling, but it was really fantastic."

"Ah," said Smithers wisely. "In that case, I know exactly what you'd need. Unfailing trick, saw it on Grey's Anatomy."

He pushed his hand into his pocket and brought out a very sparkly stick.

Voldemort stared. "What _is _that?"

"It's the most fantastic pick-me-up ever," said Smithers reverently, looking at it. "I just discovered what a cure it can be. I call it the Smeyer Vampire Wand."

"It ... sparkles ..." said Voldemort stupidly. Indeed it did. The wand had been bedazzled with dozens of precious stones and diamonds and more glitter than the world had seen before.

"Well, yes," said Smithers reluctantly. "But you see, I discovered that sparkles are something of a novelty to villains. You see, villains are usually surrounded in blackness and darkness and whatnot, it gets kind of dull. It's no wonder you're all depressed. Well – apart from the Joker, I suppose. But he's awesome."

Voldemort was reaching out for the glittering wand, entranced. "Can I have it?"

Smithers pulled back. "Wait a moment. You must promise to use this wand for good – not for evil – "

"Give it to meeeeeeeeeeeee!" screeched Voldemort. "WANT. TAKE. HAVE!"

He jumped over – the tea spilled, and snatched the wand away from Smithers, before clutching it to his chest. "Ah, my _precioussssssss_!"

(and he thought _Galbatorix_ was a Lord of the Rings knock-off).

Then he Apparated away, back to wherever the bad guys were.

Smithers brushed himself off, looking disgruntled. "That's why I _hate_ dealing with the evil ones. So unscrupulous. No manners whatsoever."

He picked up the remnants of his teacup resentfully.

"Good thing it was made in China anyway."

--

Voldemort went back to Bella, waving his sparkly wand triumphantly. "Bella! I have returned! And the bounce has returned to my step! I'm _baaaaaaaack!_"

Bellatrix's face lit up. "Oh, my Lord, what has made you so happy again? What finally worked?"

"Guess," he said smugly, waving his Smeyer Vampire Wand around pointedly.

"You watched New Moon!" said Bellatrix breathlessly.

"No!" he said in disbelief. "I found a glitter wand! Oh, Bella, you don't know what a shiny object will do for the soul. I always did love those."

Bellatrix stared at the wand. "It ... sparkles."

"It _glitters_!" he corrected her. "And it is the new joy of my life! Oh, the way spells come out of this one. It's awe-inspiring. _Crucio! Avada Kedavra!_ Oh, Bella, can you hear those screams of joy in the distance? Music to my ears. I would gladly be killed by this wand."

"You're just saying that," she grumbled.

"Well, yes."

Bellatrix looked hopeful. "Did you get me one?"

"No!" he said majestically, looking down his nonexistent nose at her. "Glitter wands are for Dark Lords only, Bellatrix. It would do you well to learn that."

Bella turned to leave, looking disgruntled.

"It's gay, anyway." She muttered under her breath as she left. Voldemort spun around, looking at her departing figure.

_Oh no she di'in't!_

Or did she?

He looked back down at his Smeyer Vampire Wand and shrugged.

**THE END.**


	8. The Cake is A Lie

**The Longest Short Story Ever Part IX**

Alex Rider stood and observed the cake in front of him.

It stared back at him, still and deliciously tempting. It was a chocolate fudge cake, with strawberries hugging the swirls in the frosting. A couple of M&Ms lay innocently sprinkled on top.

_The cake._

_The cake is a lie!_

Alex looked around furtively. "Who said that?"

_Nobody. I am the voice inside your head._

"Who are you?" This time he stopped dead and glared. "Voldemort, is that you again? Don't you have better things to do?"

_I am not Voldemort. I am a part of you._

Alex groaned. "Not that nonsense again!"

The voice sounded a little disgruntled when it spoke again. _Whatever. But that cake … that cake is a lie._

"Smithers, if that's you I promise I'll leave some …"

_Thats a nice offer. But I am not Smithers!_

"You sure?" said Alex.

_Yeah._

"Really sure?"

_Yes, goddamnit._

"Absolutely sure?"

_I'm bloody sure, all right!_

"Oh, all right then." Alex paused. "Are you Ron?"

_Oh, insult me some more, why don't you?_

"Such fury," said Alex thoughtfully. "You must be Chaos."

_Certainly not. Chaos is a grumpy old fart. I am a part of you._

"Jack?" he said suspiciously.

_Is Jack a part of you? Should I be worried?_

"Jack is a girl."

_That makes me twice as worried._

"You're a voice with some attitude …" Alex grinned. "You're Scar, aren't you?"

_Please. Do I sound like I can control weather?_

"How _does_ one sound like they can control weather?" asked Alex in confusion. He was edging nearer to the cake.

_I don't know. Weathery, I suppose._

"Weathery?" Alex snorted.

_You know. Like those weather people on TV. 'Some clouds over Worchestire today' and such._

"Hmm. You're not Harry Potter, are you?" said Alex doubtfully.

_No, I am proud to announce my forehead is entirely scar-free. Attractively smooth, actually._

"Do you have a … large forehead?" asked Alex slyly.

_One might say so, yes._

"Aha! I thought you were a part of me!" he cried.

_And a part of you isn't allowed to have a large forehead?_ said the voice defensively.

" Are you Hermione?" Alex demanded.

_Obviously not. My hair lacks electricity._

"Charming." Alex swore under his breath. This voice was going to drive him insane.

_Well, I'm no prince but I do have the grace,_ said the voice modestly.

* * *

Scott and Jamie looked at one another, trying to stifle their laughter.

"How dumb can he possibly get?" gasped Jamie, his eyes watering with mirth.

"Only two people in the house with telepathy, and he goes around asking if we're Harry bloody Potter!" giggled Scott.

"Do you think we sound like Harry?" asked Jamie suddenly.

Scott stopped laughing and looked at him. They both cringed simultaneously.

"No."

"He does sound a bit gay … if I have to listen to how he saved the world with love again …" mused Jamie.

"No, we're far … far manlier," Scott assured him.

"Alex is gay, too," said Jamie quickly. "I mean …"

He stopped to think of something that didn't make Alex cooler than he already was.

" … he washes his hair, for crying out loud!" he said desperately.

Scott blinked. "Right …"

"And … he eats cake," said Jamie determinedly. "Everyone knows that makes you fat, right?"

Scott blinked again. "The weird thing is, I can read your mind, and it doesn't even make sense up there to _you_."

* * *

_Oh Potter you rotter, what have you done?  
You're killing off students, you think it's good fun .._

Alex groaned. "Shut _up_, you stupid voice!"

_I have a lovely voice,_ said the voice indignantly.

Alex paused with his arm in mid-air, reaching out for the cake. "You're a voice that has a good voice?"

_It makes sense, if you think about it._

Alex thought about it. "No, it doesn't."

_You're right, it doesn't._

Alex grabbed a chair and sat down, cutting himself a slice of cake.

_Mmm … cake,_ said the voice lustfully.

"What do I have to do to get rid of you?" said Alex in exasperation.

_All you need is love,_ sang the voice.

"Gah!" Alex choked.

_I am the walrus,_ the voice intoned. _Coocookuchucoocoo._

"Dear God," Alex ran a hand through his just-washed hair. "I'm going mad!"

_Let it be,_ the voice told him.

"I wish you were _gone_!"

_Yesterday … all my troubles seemed so far away … now it looks as though they're here to stay .. oh, I believe, in yesterday …_

"I have the Beatles in my head," said Alex in horror. He sat down and gazed at the cake, eyes wide. "That's so sad."

Wait!

He sat up suddenly. Sad. Lame. Gay. Annoying.

"SCOTT!" he bellowed. "JAMIE!"

And then he distinctly heard them from under the table.

"Ah, shit."

* * *

The kitchen looked as though an earthquake had hit it. By the time Alex was done with Scott and Jamie the only thing left unscathed was the cake, sitting in the middle of the wreckage complacently, with Alex's slice cut from it but uneaten. Scott and Jamie were also uneaten, but unfortunately unconscious.

Voldemort waltzed into the room, humming to himself.

"At last, at last, an evil plan that worked," he hummed happily, his bald head tingling with joy as he eyed the cake. He took Alex's slice and stuffed it into his mouth whole, closing his eyes with pleasure.

"Mmm … cake."

_The cake is a lie._

"WTF!" yelled Voldemort, dropping his plate in shock. He looked around. "But … NO! You're not real! I command you not to be! No! Go away! Potter, is that you in my head again? NOOOO!"

He screamed and ran out the door, not even bothering to pursue a conversation with his voice.

The kitchen remained silent for a few moments.

Then Dobby crept out from behind the door and chuckled to himself.

"Ah," he said, rubbing his hands together. "Dobby's _precious_ cake. Dobby _likes_!"


	9. Chapter Something

**The Longest Short Story Ever**

**Part … Something. I Don't Even Know Anymore. X? XII? **

Confusion. Death. Smog. Smoke. Blood, shrieks, the clash of sword on sword.

"Alex, are you playing Prince of Persia again?" demanded Jamie, flopping down on the couch next to him.

Alex didn't answer, focusing deeply on the game.

"He's so lovely when he's concentrating," said Scar lovingly from where she sat at the couch, observing Alex with fascination. Jamie looked disgusted.

"What I want to know," he said irritably, "is why you, a person who can control the weather and practically destroy the earth, is interested in a little twat playing video games like Alex."

It was a mark of how into the game Alex was that Jamie survived after making that comment. Had he been playing a different game – possibly Tetris or Solitaire – there is little doubt that Jamie would have been replaced by Sapling moments later.

"Why wouldn't I?" demanded Scar. "Besides, Alex single-handedly saved the word eight times. You just sit around threatening to control people's minds!"

"Hey!" said Jamie indignantly. "Four times out of ten, I carry through with my threat!"

They began to quarrel again, insults hurling back and forth while Alex hushed them impatiently. And then suddenly, there was an almighty crack and debris began raining on their heads while they stared up in shock. The roof of the house was slowly being torn away. A roar filled their ears.

"Scarlett!" yelled Alex furiously, looking up from his dust-covered console. "Is this _really_ the time - ?"

"It's not me!" shrieked Scarlett defensively. "I'm – I'm –"

The roof was torn open completely, and a huge dark cloud was seen floating above them, swirling darkly. A cold laugh emerged from its midst.

"Oh," Jamie sank back in relief. "It's just Voldy."

The swirling dark smoke disappeared abruptly as Voldemort floated down into the wreckage, looking offended. "What do you _mean_, just Voldy? Did I not make an impressive entrance?"

Alex looked outraged. He got up, walking towards Voldemort slowly. "Your impressive entrance just cost me my game!"

Voldemort waved the anger away dismissively. "I did you a favor. Oprah has said it more than once. Video games are bad for your health."

Alex's face grew white with fury. He began to yell. "YOU MANIAC! I HADN'T SAVED! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU FREAKY BALD NOSELESS BASTARD!"

Voldemort began to back away, looking uncomfortable. "Now there's no need for such vulgar language – if you could just tell Harry I'm looking for him –"

Alex launched himself at Voldemort, hands outstretched to strangle him. The two of them fell backwards on the floor and began to fight, Voldemort screaming in alarm as Alex punched him repeatedly.

* * *

"Okay, freeze frame!" said Alan Blunt, looking at the screen intently. Mrs Jones looked back at him, sucking an enormous candy cane. Peppermints just couldn't satisfy her anymore. "You see that?"

Mrs Jones looked onscreen. "A gross invasion of Alex's privacy as we spy on him in his house?"

"No, not _that_," said Blunt impatiently. "Look at him attack Voldemort over a silly video game! Look at the recklessness! Do you see now, why we can't issue him a gun?"

Mrs Jones crunched on her candy cane. "I never wanted to issue him a gun. I wanted to issue him a bazooka."

"Oh," said Alan Blunt. "That does sound good, actually. Yeah. We could do that."

* * *

"This is so hot," gushed Scarlett, watching Alex and Voldemort strangle each other manically. "The two hottest guys fighting. Oh yeah."

Jamie looked at her in horror.

"I don't even _want_ to know what goes through your mind!"

* * *

"That girl is mad," agreed Alan Blunt, tapping onscreen Scar with a mortified expression.

* * *

"Oh, come on, young Voldemort was hot," argued Scarlett, looking at Jamie defensively.

"Effing no!"

"I totally was!" said Voldemort indignantly, looking up from where Alex was breaking his spine.

"He was," agreed Alex, twisting his arms. Voldemort squeaked.

And then Harry walked in. "Hey, guys, can I have –"

He paused, looking at the roofless room, Voldemort lying on the floor with Alex punching the last Horcrux out of him, Scarlett observing with glee and Jamie still looking at her in horror.

"You know what," said Harry quickly. "I, um, have to go wash my, um, scar."

He backed out and closed the door.

"He has to go wash his what?" asked Scarlett in confusion.

* * *

"Worst excuse ever!" sang Alan Blunt. "Awkward Harry, seriously."

Mrs Jones nodded, chomping on the candy cane that refused to finish. "Yeah. I mean, the whole word of washing-related humor, and he goes for _scar_."

"I guess it's because it's always on his mind," giggled Blunt.

Mrs Jones stared for a moment, and then high fived him.

Because he was her boss, not because it was a great joke or anything. It was actually nauseatingly terrible.

* * *

In another room, Fred and George stood next to an Extendable Ear, listening in on Blunt and Jones' conversation. Fred looked offended.

"I patented that line!" he said, looking insulted. "Jones totally stole it off me!"

"Yeah, but you're dead, mate," George reminded him.

"Oh," Fred looked crestfallen. "Right. I'll just hop on out, then …"

* * *

A moment to mourn Fred here.

… okay, continue.

* * *

Meanwhile, downstairs, Alex and Voldemort were still going at it. This was partly because Alex wanted to draw it out in order to punish Voldemort as much as possible, and partly because Voldemort couldn't get a grip on his wand. Finally, Alex got bored and finished him off with a neat jab to the nose.

Oh, sorry. To the empty space where his nose should have been.

Voldemort wailed and flailed about, then flopped down on the floor, defeated. Scarlett cheered and went to hug Alex, but Jamie tripped her up and she fell flat on Voldemort instead.

"Um, sorry, Voldy," she said, scrambling to get up and shooting literal lightening bolts at Jamie.

Voldemort cracked an eye open. "Is it true you find me attractive?"

"Um," Scarlett considered it. "Well, you looked better from afar, but yeah."

Voldemort giggled. "Bellatrix is gonna be _soooooooooooo_ jealous."

Alex kicked him in the gut and he fell silent.

"I must say," Jamie observed. "For an evil entrance, that failed completely, Vol."

Alan nodded. "The young one got it right on the spot. Alex pretty much wins everyone, doesn't he?"

* * *

"He'll meet his match soon," said Mrs Jones reassuringly.

"Actually, I think we're on his side …"

"Oh, right, right."

Suddenly, on screen, Alex narrowed his eyes at them. Alan's eyes widened.

"Uh oh …"

Alex's hand was outstretched towards them.

"Is that an ultra-new MI6 issued Smithers-invented invisible camera I see?" he said suspiciously, tapping the screen. Their image of him began to shake.

"Oh dear," agreed Mrs Jones.

"HAS SOMEONE BEEN SPYING ON ME?" Alex demanded, spinning around to the people in the room. Everyone squeaked in fear.

"Wasn't me, I swear!"

"Hey, I know who it is," said Jamie suddenly.

"Oh _dear_," said Mrs Jones as he told Alex. Alan's eyes shifted from side to side.

"!" roared Alex into the camera. "STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! I'M COMING FOR YOU, RIGHT – NOW!"

"Oh, mate," moaned Voldemort from the floor. "I really do pity you right now."

Alex's face filled the monitor, and then the screen went black.

**The End. Our Hearts and Prayers Go Out To Alan Blunt and Tulip Jones. They Have Not Yet Been Heard Of.**


	10. Chapter ITS A TITLE, OK!

**The Longest Short Story Ever X… or XI… or XII… To Be Quite Frank, I Don't Know **

_**To understand the following you must have read or vaguely know the Eragon, Harry Potter, Alex Rider and Power of Five series.**_

"What I am at a loss to understand," said Alex Rider, as he worked out in the gym in Malfoy Manor, "is why this gym kills my iPod."

Draco Malfoy rubbed his temples and sighed. "For the fifth time, Alex, the magic in the air kills all magical appliances."

"So, what do you do with microwave popcorn, then?" demanded Alex, a little grunt escaping him as he lifted a dumb-bell.

"We don't _get_ microwave popcorn."

"Then how do you eat popcorn?"

"Really, I find this to be the least of our worries…"

"I like Matt's kind of magic much better. It's got popcorn in it."

Draco scowled. "Rider, if you keep insulting my home, my father _will_ hear about this."

Alex put the dumb-bell down and gave him a shocked look. "Malfoy, how could you bring that up? You _know_ my dad's dead! You're so insensitive!"

Malfoy looked horrified. "Oh my God, Alex, I'm so sorry, just –"

Alex snickered. "I'm kidding. Don't do it to Harry, though, he'll go all _HE WAS THEIR FRIEND_ on you."

They both shuddered.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in another part of the house**:

Cho Chang sat on the bed, flat on her stomach with her legs waving about behind her, and gazed at Matt admiringly.

"You're so brave," she said in awe. "Killing off Chaos, all by yourself."

"Um, no," said Matt awkwardly. "There were _five_ of us, you know. The Power of Five and all. You're thinking of Harry. He's the Chosen One. I'm the Chosen Five."

"But still," she said quickly, "_leader _of the Chosen Five…"

Matt made a non-committal agreement sound. She sighed and propped herself up on her elbows.

"Mattie," she said, pouting, "why are you always so weird around me?"

Matt choked.

"It's nothing. It's really nothing."

"Is it because my ex was in Twilight?" she said suddenly, glowering. "Because I _find_ that to be very annoying, you know! I wish people would –"

"No, no!" Matt said. "It's nothing to do with that!"

"What is it then?" she fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Do I make you… _flustered_?"

Matt panicked.

"Okay, I'll tell you what it is, but please don't judge me!" he wailed. "I'm sorry, but I keep confusing you with Scarlett 'cause you're both Asian and I know it's super racist but, like, half the time I can't tell you apart and then you keep coming on to me and I get scared I'm gonna get struck by lightening until I realize it's you, and then I feel bad because YOU ALL LOOK THE SAME!"

Cho looked at him in shock.

"I'm sorry," he said humbly. "If it makes you feel better, back when we were in Hong Kong I mistook someone else for Scarlett, too."

"Did you?"

"He was a guy."

Awkward silence reigned.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the Garden**

Harry stood, blinking. He wiped his glasses, blinked again, and then, as a last resort, brought out his wand and whispered a quick _Impervius_ just to make sure.

But there was no denying it.

"Jamie!" he called cautiously.

Jamie came running out of the manor, and stopped dead.

"You see that?"

"Yeah."

"Is it Hagrid's?"

"I don't think so. Hagrid and Smithers took a vacation to Majorca with Richard."

"All right then. I'll just take a stab in the dark and ask _WHY IS THERE A GIGANTIC BLUE DRAGON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GARDEN?_"

They both contemplated this for a moment, and then Malfoy came running out.

"What did you say, Potter?" he said, gasping. "Did – you – say – _dragon_?"

And then he looked up and saw Saphira's giant form.

He clapped a hand to his chest, appalled. "The peacocks! She landed on our peacocks!"

Harry shrugged. "Who the hell keeps albino peacocks in his garden, anyway?"

Malfoy glowered at him. "Don't make me curse you, Potter."

"Don't make me turn you into a ferret!"

"Don't make me punch your precious scar!"

"Don't make me tell everyone _you dye your hair blond_!"

"You wouldn't!"

"I would!"

"Guys," said Jamie, his voice calm. "It's okay. She didn't land on the peacocks."

Malfoy sagged in relief.

"She ate them."

"No!" he cried. "No! Not… not the peacocks!"

"She's a she?" said Harry in surprise. "How'd you know that?"

"I read her mind," explained Jamie.

"She thinks?" said Harry in even more surprise.

"She's a lot more sentient than you, if that's what you mean," snorted Jamie.

_I am,_ Saphira's voice floated into their heads. _I am Saphira, and this is my Dragon Rider, Eragon._

"Who?"

"Where?" Malfoy looked around.

"He's hiding behind her," said Jamie. "He got scared of the peacocks."

"I was not scared," the blond boy that appeared from behind Saphira was strong and scarred, wearing strange leather outfits not unlike those Past Matt and the rest wore. He was also very good-looking.

"What are you doing here?" asked Harry.

"Saphira, Arya and I travelled from Alagaesia, our home world, to yours."

"Why would you do that?" asked Jamie in confusion. "Ours isn't even that good. You should check out Narnia, though. _Awesome._"

"Who's Arya?" asked Harry curiously.

"Arya is my true love," said Eragon longingly. "She is an Elf Princess. I've been yearning for her from the moment I first laid eyes on her. Our love is impossible but pure."

"She your girlfriend, then?" asked Harry curiously. "Dating an elf princess. Must be high-maintenance."

"Oh, not yet," said Eragon, looking awkward. "We haven't really quite… reached that stage yet."

"So… you guys just met and fell in love?" asked Jamie.

"Well… we met a couple thousand years ago," said Eragon uncomfortably. "But you know how things are."

"A couple thousand years?" Malfoy's voice cracked in disbelief. "That's older than – shit, that's older than Dumbledore!"

Saphira seemed to be laughing from above.

Eragon glared at her.

Jamie whispered, "He's telling her not to make fun of him when her and her dragon boyfriend Thorn haven't reached second base yet."

"Man, things must move slowly in Eragon-world," said Harry, running a hand through his hair.

"Excruciatingly so," murmured Eragon, who had overheard him. "But Arya and I are glad to wait. It only sweetens our love, so pure and deep. You wouldn't understand. You're not elvish."

"Dobby is," ventured Jamie.

"Maybe we should ask him how long it took to get into Winky's tea-cosy…"

"Surely less than two thousand years."

"Pretty sure."

"What I want to say," Eragon tried in vain to return the conversation to himself. "Is that Arya and I –"

"Oh my GOD!" said Jamie, doubling over with laughter. "Did I read that right? Are you _vegetarian_?"

Both Harry and Malfoy started laughing, too.

Eragon looked affronted. "My choice to protect animal life is none of your – hey, hey! Stop that! I – I have magic you know not! I could injure you!"

"If you're a wizard, where's your wand?" Malfoy challenged.

"I have a flaming sword!" said Eragon desperately, pulling Brisingr out. Saphira nodded emphatically.

"Well, my sword comes out of a hat!"

"I am Eragon Shadeslayer!" shrieked Eragon, losing it completely.

"Dude," said Harry, holding up his palms, still grinning. "I'm Harry freakin' Potter."

Both Jamie and Malfoy nodded in agreement.

"He's badass."

"He air-wrestled the Dark Lord."

"Even Matt admits Harry did it with style."

"Not as cool as Alex Rider, though."

"No…"

Harry looked a little put out, but had to agree. "Nobody's as cool as Alex Rider."

"Who is this Alex Rider?" demanded Eragon, putting Brisingr back in its sheath.

Jamie looked around, and then grinned to himself. "How long did you say you were courting Arya?"

"Years," said Eragon dreamily, momentarily distracted.

"She loves you, eh?"

"I am sure of it. As pure and as deep as an ocean, as wild as the waves, as heart-breaking as the newborne dragon…"

"Well," said Jamie thoughtfully. "Alex Rider is that guy over there making out with your almost-girlfriend."

Harry looked admiring. "God, he works fast. That would take you another 900 pages, wouldn't it, Eragon?"

Eragon burst into tears.

* * *

**Meanwhile, Back in Matt's Room**

Cho stormed out.

"Cho, please!" Matt pleaded, chasing after her. "I'm sorry! I said I was sorry!"

"You are a horrible, racist person, Matthew Freeman!" she yelled at him, raising her wand. He ducked the Stunning Spell that raced past him.

"I'm _sorry!_"

He ran down the hall looking for her, but she had darted into one of the many rooms of Malfoy Manor and disappeared. He went past Ron and Hermione, who were bickering, past Alex, who was leading a hot girl with pointy ears down to the garden, past a window that showed a giant blue dragon in front of Harry, and finally found Cho in the library, reading a book.

"Cho," he said, a little breathless from the rush to find her, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me! I promise I won't ever confuse you again!"

Scarlett raised her head from her book and glared at him.

"Bitch, I ain't Cho Chang."

**THE END**


	11. This One Was Supposed to be 10 Actually

**The Longest Short Story Ever**

**Part XIII**

**Or something of the sort, I was never good with Roman Numerals**

"Harry," said Ron Weasley conversationally, holding up his wand. "Why'd you reckon Voldemort came back bald?"

Harry, who had been busy admiring his scar in the mirror, looked at him thoughtfully. "Oh, I don't know, Ron."

"Maybe he'll grow it out," suggested Alex Rider, who was attempting to read _Hogwarts: A History_ upside down.

"Baldness has its benefits, I'm sure," said Harry absently, immersed in his reflection once again.

"Like what?" said Ron skeptically.

Harry shrugged. "He can save up on shampoo costs?"

"Well, at least he doesn't have Hermione's hair …" Alex snorted.

"I heard that!" Hermione's voice wafted through the door.

Alex went a little pale.

"Er – anybody seen Scott or Jamie?" he asked hurriedly, getting up. "I might need them to – well, you know … or Matt! Has anybody seen Matt?"

Harry and Ron shrugged.

Alex cursed. "This is when not having magical powers sucks."

"Look on the bright side, mate," said Ron cheerfully. Alex stared at him. "You have lovely hair."

Harry roared with laughter.

Alex left. A few minutes of silence ensued, in which Ron stared at Harry staring at himself idly.

"So why do you think he's bald?" he asked again.

"Ron," said Harry in exasperation. "I think his lack of hair is the least of our problems. _He has no nose._"

* * *

"Chaos?" said Voldemort moodily, eyeing his reflection in the mirror. "Why am I bald?"

Chaos choked on his chocolate milk. "Er – that's a weird question …"

"Bellatrix?" Voldemort turned to his loyal servant. "Do you have an idea?"

Bellatrix looked flustered. "I don't know, my Lord. I hear baldness is hereditary, actually."

Voldemort looked furious. "This unseemly white dome is my father's fault? Why, I ought to – I ought to –"

"You've already killed him, V," said Chaos.

Voldemort looked crestfallen. "Oh, damn my efficiency."

* * *

"So what I need you to do is just make Hermione calmer," Alex finished, grinning beseechingly at Scott and Jamie.

Scott shook his head. "No deal, Rider. What's in it for us?"

"And don't suggest a giant slide, or a trampoline," added Jamie haughtily. "Cause we've already got those."

Alex gasped. "Oh, that's plagiarism, that is."

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Jamie, his eyes moving about shiftily.

Alex narrowed his eyes at him. "All right. So what would you like in exchange?"

Scott thought about it. "How about you have to go an entire week without using a _single_ gadget?"

Alex looked horrified. "No gadgets? But without my gadgets, I'm a mere mortal!"

Jamie shrugged. "You made your bed, now lie in it, Rider."

"He didn't _even_ make his bed!" Hermione's voice floated through the door.

"I hate how she does that," said Alex grumpily. Then he glared at the two brothers. "But what if I have to save the world again? How will I do it without gadgets?"

"I'm sure you'll manage," said Jamie coolly.

"But if I don't, you'll be the ones who have to suffer," Alex pointed out. "What if the world explodes or something? What'll you do then?"

"Oh, pooh pooh," said Jamie irritably. "Don't pull that _what if the world explodes_ argument on us, Rider! We've all been there. You're not the only world-saving teenager here!"

"But I _am_ the youngest," said Alex, raising his eyebrows. "Oh, and the one who did it eight times. _Alone._"

"I beg to differ!" Scott interjected. "Pedro's still fourteen, too, _and_ you what about all those people who helped you? Wolf, Tamara Knight –?"

Alex's eyes filled with tears. "That was a low blow, Scott."

Jamie turned to his brother accusingly. "Yeah, bro, that was mean."

Scott looked defensive. "Hey, all I meant –"

"You know she never called me back!" Alex wailed. "After she called me a – a - _a mere schoolboy_!"

"She broke his heart," Jamie agreed, shaking his head at his brother and pulling out a hanky to hand Alex.

Alex blew his nose. "And she said she only liked me for my accent …"

Scott looked apologetic. "She loved your hair as well."

"Yeah, well," Alex blew his nose again. "Who doesn't love my hair? It's lovely."

Scott and Jamie nodded guiltily. "We're sorry, man."

Alex blew his nose a third time, then handed the hanky back to Jamie, who looked revolted.

"We'll do it for free this time," said Scott finally, looking defeated. "We're sorry we brought Tamara up, Alex."

Alex sniffed. "For free then? And Hermione won't be after me?"

They both nodded again.

Alex smiled wobbily. "Thanks guys. It means a lot to me."

He went out grinning widely. _Suckers._

* * *

**At The Dinner Table**

"Hermione?" said Ron hopefully as he cut himself half a pizza and maneuvered it onto his plate.

"Yes, dearest?"

"Why does Voldemort have no nose?"

Everyone groaned.

"Ron – "

"You've been asking all –"

"Fifth bloody time you mention it –"

"Don't even understand why it's so fascinating –"

"Ron!" yelled Harry.

"What?" said Ron, offended. "I just want to know."

"Not that, you've taken half the bloody pizza, put it back!"

"I can't," said Ron quickly. "I spit on it."

Everyone groaned again.

"You didn't, I can read your mind," said Jamie, looking annoyed.

Ron promptly spat on his pizza.

"Aw, Ron!"

"That's disgusting!"

"You bloody pig."

"WILL EVERYONE STOP PICKING ON ME?" bellowed Ron.

There was a moment as they thought about it.

"Nah."

"Don't think so."

"Give it a few years."

"Sorry, mate."

"Here," said Jamie, looking disgusted. "Take my hanky to wipe your mouth, it's all spitty."

Ron looked at Jamie's hanky doubtfully. "What's wrong with it?"

"I blew my nose into it three times," answered Alex.

"Jamie!" said Ron in disgust.

"Alex!" said Jamie, aggravated.

Ron dug into his pizza angrily as the conversation continued.

"So, Alex," said Scott thoughtfully. "Jamie and I were thinking …"

"Stop right there, I already know you're lying."

"Oh, you witty little kid, you," said Jamie scathingly.

"That's quite good, actually, we ought to use it sometime" whispered Scott.

"Anyway," continued Jamie hastily. "We were thinking about your previous predicament…"

"What predicament?" said Scarlett, speaking up for the first time.

Harry looked interested. "Yeah, what predicament?"

Alex's eyes widened. "Oh, crap. You're not talking –"

"We knew how upset you were over Tamara," said Jamie kindly. "So we gave her a call."

Alex choked.

Hermione thumped him on the back as his face grew redder. "You don't mean -?"

"That's right," said Scott with a grin. "We've invited her over."

The doorbell rang.

"And there she is, just on time!" said Jamie excitedly, getting up from the table and running for the door.

Alex was coughing when he returned with a beautiful, brown-haired woman at his side.

"Oh, _hello_," said Ron with interest.

Hermione pointed her wand at him. "Do it again and you'll know exactly how Voldemort feels without a nose."

Ron clapped a hand to his face in horror.

"So, Tamara," said Jamie, raising his eyebrows. "Alex here has been devastated after you dumped him."

Tamara looked surprised. "He has?"

Alex was looking at the floor longingly, as though wishing it would open up and swallow him. "What? Er – yeah. Totally. Been living on ice cream and romantic comedies."

Scott patted him on the back. "Well, here she is, mate. What do you have to say to her?"

Alex looked muddled. "Um. I've missed you so?"

Tamara gave a little gasp and flew towards him, hugging him tightly. "Oh, Ally Wally! I've missed you even more! I've been feeling terrible ever since we parted ways, and I was just _delighted_ when I heard you wanted to see me again!"

Alex flailed, his face growing purple from her grip. "I – er –"

Tamara leaned backwards slightly and pulled him up. "Let's go right now! I want to be alone with you!"

Alex grimaced. "Must I?"

"Ally Wally!" said Tamara, looking hurt. "I thought you missed me!"

"Oh, I have," he said hastily. Tamara immediately dragged him out of the door. It slammed shut behind her.

Everyone looked at one another in confusion.

"That was weird," said Ron, diving into his pizza once more.

Scott and Jamie were grinning at each other.

_That'll teach him to try and trick a pair of mind readers,_ said Scott, his eyebrows dancing triumphantly.

Jamie beamed. _We're so awesome._

* * *

"Tamara, you were absolutely wonderful," said Alex gratefully, looking at the gorgeous woman by his side in admiration.

"It was a pleasure, Alex," said Tamara professionally, shouldering her purse and flashing him a dazzling smile.

"I'd guessed they might be up to something," Alex grinned at her. "I appreciate you calling once they'd contacted you."

"I should hope you wouldn't expect anything less of me," said Tamara Knight, raising an eyebrow.

Alex laughed. "Oh, I won't."

Tamara winked at him, hooking her arm through his elbow. "After all, they should know better than to mess with Alex Rider."

Alex looked modest. "I prefer Alex freakin' Rider, Miss Knight."

**THE END**

_**Remember. You don't mess with the Rider.**_


	12. Uh Yeah more

**The Longest Short Story Ever  
Part… I'm Not Even Going to Try Anymore.**

**A/N: Ah, some more Eragon, in honor of reading Inheritance at last (spoiler-free, though, don't worry!). Also, because why not make fun of him? Bit short, but hope it gives you all a quick laugh ;D**

* * *

Eragon strode into Alex's room, his eyes ablaze with fury.

"That – is – it!" he roared.

Alex looked up from his Nintendo, eyes wide. "Whoa. Whoa. Calm down, man. What'd I do?"

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" roared Eragon, his voice cracking. "WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DO YOU _THINK_ YOU DID, YOU INFERNAL MORON?"

Alex raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, hey, dragon boy," he said, sitting up. "Watch it."

"WATCH IT?" screamed Eragon. "YOU STOLE ARYA FROM ME!"

"Oh!" recognition dawned upon Alex. "Is that what this is about?"

"NO!" screeched Eragon. "ARYA, I could _handle_! I mean, we talked about it, and she said you were only a fling!"

Alex began to look offended, then shrugged. "Ah… fair enough. So what's this about?"

"Saphira!" Eragon whined. "You – stole – Saphira!"

"Whoa," now Alex looked offended. "First of all, I did not _steal_ her, okay? I can't help it if she prefers a different Rider!"

"SHE'S MY DRAGON!"

"Hold on a minute there," said Alex, holding up his hand. "Did you see what I did there?"

Eragon breathed deeply for a moment, looking confused. "What?"

"With the Riders? 'Prefers a different Rider?' Rather clever, wasn't it?"

"Oh," said Eragon, nodding off-handedly. "Yeah, yeah. I saw what you did there. Quite good, yes."

"Yeah, because I'm Alex Rider, and you're a Dragon – ?"

"Yes, I see that."

"All right. Continue yelling."

Eragon did not waste a minute. "SHE IS _MY_ DRAGON, AND YOU HAD NO RIGHT, ABSOLUTELY _NO_ RIGHT, TO TAKE HER FROM ME! NOW SHE'S SAYING YOU'RE LIGHTER AND SHE – "

Alex looked weary. "I grow tired of this, Eragon. This isn't my problem, go talk it out with your dragon."

"I MOST CERTAINLY WILL NOT!" said Eragon indignantly. "THIS SORT OF DISPUTE WOULD TAKE CHAPTERS TO SOLVE IN MY BOOK! LITERALLY!" he paused here. "Actually, we might need a whole extra book for this. Call the publishers. The Inheritance Cycle will be extended to the Inheritance _Bi_cycle."

"…" said Alex.

"At any rate, I will not allow this to go idly! I will be avenged, Rider! Mark my words!"

"Marked," said Alex with a sigh. He held up his Nintendo. "Good night, Eragon."

"What?"

A dart shot out of the Nintendo and into Eragon's neck. His mouth opened and closed for a few seconds, then he fainted to the floor.

Alex patted the Nintendo fondly.

"Oh, Smithers," he said, wiping away an imaginary tear. "Every time."

* * *

Malfoy ran into the sitting room, his blond hair in disarray and his chest heaving.

"Malfoy!" said Scarlett in alarm. "What's wrong?"

"Dragons!" wheezed Malfoy. "Dragons!"

"What about dragons?" said Harry, putting down the coffee he'd been drinking and sitting up as Alex walked into the room.

"There are dragons—" Malfoy paused to take a breath, his eyes bulging. "THERE ARE DRAGONS COPULATING, IN MY GARDEN!"

"There are… what?" said Harry, completely bewildered.

"DRAGONS! COPULATING!"

"Copulating?" said Scarlett, her forehead wrinkling.

"You know!" Malfoy gestured wildly. "Copulating! Fornicating! THERE ARE DRAGONS MAKING LOVE IN MY BACK GARDEN!"

There was a moment, and then Ron and Alex burst into helpless laughter.

"Oh," said Scarlett, her eyes wide. Then she stood up. "I want to see!"

There was a scramble towards the window.

"Oh – my – God." Scarlett looked shocked.

"Saphira's cheating on Thorn?" Ron was horrified.

"That looks… very strange…"

"Saphira's cheating… on me?" muttered Alex, feeling offended. Everyone turned around to look at him. "Well, not like that! But you know what I mean! We had a connection!"

"Who _is_ that dragon?"

"OH MY GOD." The blood had drained from Harry's face. "That's… that's…"

"It can't be!" whispered Ron.

"It's not…"

"NORBERT?"

Everyone gasped simultaneously.

"But…" Ron swallowed. "Remember what Charlie said? Norbert—"

"Is a Norberta!"

Scarlett clapped two hands to her mouth. Everyone looked out of the window again. Tears were streaming down Malfoy's face as he watched the two dragons romp about his garden.

"What a slut!" snapped Alex.


	13. I've pretty much lost track

**The Longest Short Story Ever**

**Part Hey I Just Met Your Mother or Something **

Malfoy was upset. There was no denying it. Draco Malfoy – rich, spoiled, winner of Witch Weekly's Hug of the Year award – was very upset indeed. First of all, there was the dragon that had landed in his garden and eaten the peacocks. Then the two dragons fornicating wildly in the garden had destroyed his hedges. _Then_ the Weasley twins had destroyed his cellar in an attempt to 'manufacture exploding bricks.' And then Smithers had destroyed his kitchen in an attempt to 'properly manufacture exploding bricks.' Finally, the twins and Smithers had decided to work together and succeeded in manufacturing exploding bricks, whereupon Matt, in a fit of pique, had chosen to throw the pile of exploding bricks right through one of his windows and proceeded to destroy the entire manor.

Draco Malfoy was not merely upset.

Draco Malfoy was homeless.

"My parents," he had whispered as they all stood in front of the ruins of his manor, some in their pyjamas and others clutching belongings they had managed to salvage. "My parents are going to kill me."

Lucius and Narcissa had been on vacation in the South of France with Alan Blunt and Mrs Jones and a couple of the other Adults Nobody Likes, as Jamie called them. Richard and Jack Starbright were part of the Adults We Actually Like a Little, and they visited often.

"Well," said Harry brightly, clapping him on the back. "Look on the bright side. At least nobody killed _them_!"

Matt, Scott, Jamie, Alex, Scarlett, and Pedro all nodded in unison.

Ron shifted. "Awful lot of orphans here."

Fred nodded in agreement. "YA authors are really just heartless with killing off people, the sods."

Malfoy narrowed his eyes at them. "Well, aren't you all just the pitiful little creatures? You've _destroyed my house_! I should have known better than to let in a bunch of Muggles and Muggle-lovers and Mudbloods!"

Alex Rider stepped forwards until he was almost nose-to-nose with Malfoy.

"Who are _you_ calling a Muggle, Malfoy?"

Scarlett clapped her hands together. "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!"

Scott and Jamie looked at each other hastily and she choked off.

Malfoy spluttered at Alex, but seemed to strengthen his resolve as he pulled out his wand. "_You_, Rider! I'm calling _you_ a Muggle because that's what you are! This is my punishment for letting filth like you in!"

Alex knocked his wand aside.

Malfoy blinked.

"Well, then," said Alex, his eyes glinting. "Aren't you going to get it?"

Malfoy swallowed. "Um…"

"And don't try calling for Crabbe!" added Harry helpfully from the sidelines. "He's gone to JK Rowling Hell with my parents!"

Fred shuddered. "Nasty place."

Malfoy looked down at his wand on the ground. Then he looked back up at Alex. Then he looked down at his wand. Alex smirked.

"All right," said Hermione, taking pity on him and stepping in. "Time to cut off all this posturing. Alex, pull your ego in. Malfoy, pick your wand up. Ron, have you got something to say?"

"Have I?" said Ron in alarm.

Hermione raised an eyebrow at him.

"Oh." Ron faltered. "Um. Well, since – er – it was technically partly Fred and George's fault that your house got destroyed, Hermione feels that…"

He trailed off until Hermione cleared her throat.

"Hermione feels that it's only right to invite you to stay at the Burrow until the manor is repaired."

Malfoy's eyes widened incredulously. "You expect _me_ to stay at your hov - ?"

Alex gave a warning cough.

"I mean," Malfoy amended himself, "seeing as we're – well – seeing as I am currently indisposed… I suppose I will be forced to – er – accept your – er – kind offer."

"Malfoy in the Burrow," said Harry quietly to Matt. "Now this I have to see."

* * *

They had all been counting on a show as Malfoy entered the Burrow. They expected him to cringe and point out the flaws in the creaking floors and sneer at the cheap furniture.

However, they had not counted on one thing.

Molly Weasley.

Malfoy did not dare utter a word as she flew around the kitchen, making him a meal and glaring over his head at Fred and George. Nobody had forgotten that Molly Weasley had taken on Bellatrix Lestrange and killed her in a badass moment worthy of Alex Rider, least of all Draco Malfoy.

"I really cannot apologize enough for those two, dear," she told him as she flicked her wand at various pots and pans. "I'm sure Arthur will get your lovely house fixed up in no time. He fixes ours all the time."

Malfoy glanced dubiously at the slanting walls. "Er –"

Ron glanced out the window, then back at his mother. "Mum? There is one thing I still want to talk to you about."

"Yes, dear?"

"Well, there were a whole lot of us staying at Malfoy's," began Ron, "and we – that is to say, some of them are a tad – well, they've also got nowhere to stay for a little while, so I've – er – I've invited them to stay with us."

Molly looked up sharply from a mixing bowl. "How many people?"

Ron grinned weakly and opened the door. Molly's eyes widened as Alex, Jamie, Scott, Matt, Hermione, Scarlett and Smithers walked in.

"Ronald," she said. "Did you invite the entire bookshelf over?"

Ron gulped. "It wasn't me – it was Herm –"

"Ronald," snapped Hermione and his eyes flicked frantically between her and Molly.

"Well, I don't know what you're fussing about," Malfoy finally spoke up, with a hint of his derisive self. " At least Eragon and Saphira've left. You know, that dragon will hook up with just about anyone. Last I heard she was doing Godzilla."

Molly frowned at him. "Who?"

Alex stepped forwards smoothly. "Oh, just an obscure reference, Mrs Weasley. How about you sit down, and I'll take care of the cooking? I've taken a class or two."

"Oh," said Molly, her eyes softened. "Why, thank you dear. What's your name?"

"Alex, ma'am," said Alex. "Alex Rider."

Molly sighed. "Lovely."

"Mum," said Ron quickly, "Mum, please don't forget you're married—"

"He's a Muggle, Ron," said Fred snidely. "I'd worry about Dad."

Their stay at the Burrow did not last very long. In fact, it ended abruptly a day later when Smithers got stuck on the stairwell and Matt attempted to levitate him out and ended up destroying a wall, and while Fred and George pretended to repair it they secretly used some of their leftover exploding bricks and nearly blew Scarlett's head off when her hand brushed against the newly built wall.

After that they were all turned out of the house, including Ron, with Molly screeching at him from the door for inviting them. She did, however, add that Harry and Alex were welcome at any time.

"They've got _manners_, unlike you lot!"

"Well, clearly you'd know, seeing as _you raised us!_" Fred had yelled back.

"I raised Bill and Percy too!" Molly shrieked. "And I don't see them blowing doors up and inviting trouble-makers over!"

Matt looked upset. "Honestly, it's not my fault! My power just gets away with me sometimes!"

Alex patted him on the back. "I can't blame it, mate. I'd try to escape from you, too."

Scott snorted.

Fred and George were still yelling at their mother. Finally, she lost patience and waved her wand as she turned away, causing one of the trees in the garden to smack Ron in the face with a long branch and slamming the door closed. Ron yelled through a faceful of leaves.

"Anytime, now, JK Rowling?" he said, gazing at the sky. When nothing happened, he sighed. "Just Harry's, then."

"So," said Malfoy, glaring at them all. "Does this mean we're homeless again?"

* * *

The next house they ended up at was Alex's. It took a while to convince Jack – she was quite eager to leave Anthony Horowitz Hell, what with all the people Alex had landed in there – but she wasn't quite so keen on cleaning up after twelve teenagers and Smithers.

Soon, however, there was a knock on the door. Alex got up to open it.

Nearly half an hour later they heard him call out for Malfoy.

Draco got to the door then went paler than usual. It was his parents.

"Draco," said Lucius.

"F-Father."

"We've got some bad news for you."

Draco blinked. "Is this about –"

Narcissa waved him away. "Just remember, Draco. This isn't about you. This is about us."

"This isn't about the house?" said Draco in confusion.

Lucius and Narcissa exchanged a glance.

"It was, originally," said Narcissa. "But we came here, and we met Alex…"

Alex grinned at him and waved.

"The point is, Draco," said Narcissa at last, "We're adopting Alex."

Draco gasped. "What?"

"And I don't want to say we'll be abandoning you," Lucius assured him. "Think of it as – think of it as if your mother had simply left you in Hogwarts and declared Harry Potter alive."

"Father," said Draco weakly. "He's a - he's a Muggle!"

"We know," said Lucius. "And we've decided to accept him."

"You're so stone-age in your views, Draco…"

"Honestly. This is one of the reasons it would never have worked out."

"Also Draco? What kind of preposterous name is that?"

"Alex is just… well, quite simply, we know _Alex_ would have never allowed our peacocks to be eaten."

A few moments later Draco walked back to the couch and sat numbly between Harry and Matt.

"So, about the whole no-parents thing," he began. "Is there some sort of club, or?"

**The End.**


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